Negotiate Great Relationships

Relationships are one of those basic facts of life, and for most, an appreciated fact.  They’re formed for various reasons, but at the heart it’s because we depend on one another for certain results, which could be anything from unity, security, love, or even financial gain.  But because relationships are one of those basics in life, so is negotiation; and while it’s easy to think of negotiating as something only Fortune 500 companies do, it’s actually as much a fact of life as relationships themselves.  It comes into play every time people who depend on one another for results have different perceptions of a situation or have differing interests.  And since we all depend on one another, and since we don’t often see everything the same way, we’re all constantly involved in negotiation - be it in our marriages, friendships, work relationships, or board room level deliberations.

The reason I’m highlighting negotiation in this three part blog is because relationships make the business world go round, and negotiation (and renegotiation) plays a crucial role in making those relationships strong and sustainable.  Negotiating can, and will, either set a relationship up for long-term success or doom it to failure, and it needs to be viewed as a foundation of business itself.  So I thought I’d pass along some helpful tips from the experts, as well as some we’ve learned along the way.

The Real Point of Negotiation

Put simply, negotiation is a means of furthering interests by joint problem-solving.  Sounds easy, but this is an easy one to side-step.  Often, true interests aren’t stated at all, as we’ve discovered in our business on many occasions.  Agreement in those situations wasn’t reached for some time because it took considerable digging to find out what the real interests were for all the key players. 

So it’s wise to listen attentively to what they’re actually trying to accomplish, as it’s often not what’s stated in their objectives.  In one our negotiations, the stated objectives focused on replacing their current offering feature for feature, but it turns out that the underlying motivation for seeking a replacement was to sign an agreement with someone they could call a partner.  Someone that would actually listen to and implement their feedback in future product development.

Makes complete sense, we all want to be heard - and it’s why William Ury points out that the single most important skill in negotiation is the ability to put yourself in the other side’s shoes.  If your aim is to change their thinking, you have to begin by understanding what their thinking is with some degree of empathy.  Effective negotiators listen far more than they talk. 

Harvard Professor James Sebenius adds that to influence their decision most effectively you need to understand their problem as they see it.  What counts is their perception of their real interests, not what you think their interests should be, but theirs as they see them, their perceptions of their alternatives to an agreement (their BATNA, or Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), their notions of fairness, their constituency pressures, etc.  When I think how many times we’ve failed at this and how we could have been spared heartache by following his advice... well, I’m sure you can understand.  It’s all too easy, in fact it’s human nature, to get caught up in seeing things through the narrow prism of our own objectives. 

At least part of the reason we’re prone to this is because we tend to think their interests are the opposite of ours.  Psychologists who’ve studied this call it the “mythical fixed pie,” which implies that the pie is fixed and that it’s a win-lose game in which any gains to one side are offset by losses on the other.  In fact, Professor Sebenius adds that in one study of over 5000 subjects in 32 negotiation studies, participants failed to realize compatible issues a whopping 50% of the time.  His advice?  Don’t deduce their intentions from your fears.

More great tips to come next week....